The View From My Knees

We in Seattle are some lucky sons of bitches. Every year, for the past 5 years, a local Seattle weekly, The Stranger, has held a contest for the best amateur porn and made an honest-to-goodness film festival out of it. Over several nights Seattle audiences are treated to two hours of the best porn our friends and neighbors can pack into 5 minutes and then we vote on the sexiest, as well as the funniest. Once the festival is over the videos are destroyed, allowing our local porn stars to return to normal life without fear of becoming accidental internet sensations. This year the contest was extended to The Stranger’s sister paper in Portland, the Portland Mercury, and the festival got a fresh round of entries from first-timers. The Portland showing of the films is coming up shortly, and the awards will be given out sometime after that, but Lucky and I were scored tickets to the sold-out Seattle showing and we’ve made up this mini-review of all of the entries.

If you’re in the Pacific Northwest and would like to see them for yourself, you’re in luck! I’m giving away two free tickets to the Portland festival this weekend, and winning is easy. Just leave a comment on this post and let me know you’d like to be entered into the drawing. Our winner will be announced Thursday evening, so hurry up and start leaving those comments!

Oh, I almost forgot! As some of you may remember, I decided to do a little something extra when I went to see the films and tested out a new toy. This new toy was a vibrator that responds to ambient noise. I figured the device could help me decide which film got my vote based on the “buzz factor.” So, in addition to my ratings for humor, sexiness, and overall quality, I’ve included the rating my little toy would have given the film.

And here are the reviews…

Dance belt

The jist: One skinny man and two toned ladies do an exact reenactment of Beyonce’s Single Ladies video in the nude (well, except for the high heels – yes, even the man) in their dance studio (complete with a naked cameraman).

My thoughts: The dancing in this video was phenomenal. I can’t imagine the hours and hours of practice and studying it must have taken to get every move just right. And casting a man – a very talented man – in Beyonce’s role provided nonstop entertainment. The nudity wasn’t particularly erotic, but it was titillating and fun to watch.

Spoiler: The grand finale includes a 10 second explosion of money shots.

Lucky says: casting a man? I feel more like there was a guy who already knew the dance and just needed to find some girls to back him up. Also, there were some lovely shots in which the camera would zoom almost uncomfortably close to our mustachioed leading man for just a split second before returning to normal, adding an extra dash of comical absurdity.

Humor: 3
Sexiness: 2
Overall Quality: 4
Buzz Factor: 4

Citizen Came

The jist: A shaggy-haired Portland masturbator sets out to blow 10 loads in 10 Portland locations in just 24 hours. His adventures include VooDoo Donuts, among several other outdoor Portland settings, a teddy bear mask, and doing terrible things to a wide array of animal statues.

My thoughts: Maybe it’s just my undeniable crush on the entire city of Portland speaking, but I was enamored with our hero from the moment he came on screen. His antics were hilarious. So much so that this film got my vote for Funniest film in the festival.

Lucky: Those statues were asking for it, the way they were dressed.

Humor: 5
Sexiness: 3
Overall Quality: 3
Buzz Factor: 4

Full Swap

The jist: An overhead security camera catches two couples going at it on a sofa in stop motion for…god knows how long.

My thoughts: What could have been a boring one-shot look at two couples having tons of sex on a couch was made a little more interesting by making it time-lapse it up to give it that stop-motion look. The sex looked hot, but without the sounds or close-ups on faces or genitalia it wasn’t particularly arousing. Still, I have to give one of the couples a lot of credit for giving the Energizer Bunny a run for his money.

Lucky: Yawn, relatively speaking.

Humor: 2
Sexiness: 3
Overall Quality: 2
Buzz Factor: 2

Boys Beware

The jist: Presented in the style of a 1950′s educational film in black and white, Boys Beware warns young boys about the dangers of the…gasp…homosexual man.

My thoughts: This film was really well done and a funny poke at homophobia. But when they cut to the stylized color bathroom scene where “young” Johnny and his “predator” get busy, it goes from funny to hot instantly. So much so that this one almost got my vote for Sexiest film, but was beat out by a couple of horny housewives.

Lucky: I am a sucker for all things stylized and parody, but when the actual sex started, the cameraman seems to have accidentally hit the 80s music video filter. I mean, unless he did that on purpose.

Humor: 4
Sexiness: 5
Overall Quality: 5
Buzz Factor: 3

Read My Lips

The jist: A classic tale of two avid readers meeting in a Portland book store, falling in love, and…getting it on atop a bed full of book pages. And not just getting it on, but performing a wealth of sadomasochistic acts using books as, among other things, spanking devices and come rags.

My thoughts: This film was well done, cute, and fun to watch, but it didn’t really do much for my libido.

Lucky says: Paper cuts much?

Humor: 3
Sexiness: 3
Overall Quality: 3
Buzz Factor: 3

I’m Hard

The jist: A rap video featuring a hardcore dick. No seriously, the rapper is a big erect penis wearing a baseball cap telling all the other rappers how much harder he is than them. Hi-lar-i-ty.

My thoughts: The concept was funny, and the execution was funny, but there was nothing sexy about this film. It was more like something on Youtube that would be passed around your friends for a week or so and then tossed aside as something new made the rounds.

Humor: 3
Sexiness: 1
Overall Quality: 3
Buzz Factor: 3

The Good Book

The jist: The age-old tale of a nun caught wearing Mormon undergarments paying contrition by getting fucked by a priest with a mohawk.

My thoughts: The production value on this film was pretty low, but it still had some redeeming qualities. Even though the plot was right out of a bad porn movie, the sex was hot enough. And I have to admit I was digging the tight-bodied asian nun. Had the production been a little better I think I would have been able to appreciate this one a little more.

Humor: 2
Sexiness: 3
Overall Quality: 2
Buzz Factor: 2

How To Please Your Man

The Jist: Larry King interviews an enthusiastic dick sucker.

My thoughts: The integration of the dick sucking interviewee with actual clips from Larry King Live are flawless, right down to the scrolling ticker at the bottom. The dick sucking demo is fun, titillating, and hilarious and Larry’s reaction shots had the crowd roaring. This one was a close runner-up for my Funniest Film vote.

Lucky: The actress in this piece hammed it up just a little bit too much for me, which is saying something. Fortunately, the premise, technical execution, and dick sucking all made this a winner for me.

Humor: 5
Sexiness: 3
Overall Quality: 4
Buzz Factor: 4

Beyond Gay

The Jist: A sexually frustrated gay man and lesbian try satisfying their urges with, ew, each other.

My thoughts: There was no actual sex – or even nudity – in this one, but it was endearing and hilarious.

Lucky: Notable for being directed by acclaimed local director Lynn Shelton in response to a challenge from Dan Savage.

Humor: 4
Sexiness: 1
Overall Quality: 3
Buzz Factor: 3

Incubus

The Jist: A dark and artistic submission, Incubus features a dirty young woman in a puddle of filth touching herself and being caressed by the filth-covered hands of an otherwise unseen demon.

My thoughts: This film, while incredibly disturbing, was a true work of art. I don’t think I found it particularly sexy, but it was so beautifully done that I could hardly blink while it was playing. Maybe it’s my fascination with horror and the macabre, but I was in love with this submission. Unfortunately, it didn’t turn me on enough to be voted Sexiest and it certainly wasn’t the Funniest submission of the festival, so I couldn’t vote for it to show my enthusiasm for its overall high quality.

Lucky: So pretty. The part at the beginning where the girl leaks all over the place wasn’t my scene, but I generally appreciated the rest. Could’ve used a few more aplets if not cotlets.

Humor: 1
Sexiness: 3
Overall Quality: 5
Buzz Factor: 2 (most of the audience was mesmerized during the film)

Dumpster Humpster

The Jist: A sexy and comical look at dumpster diving culture, featuring hot Seattle men getting it on in dumpsters.

My thoughts: I cringed when our hero started rolling around and getting naughty in the dumpster, I laughed when he made sexual innuendos with a footlong sub sandwich, and I did a little bit of both when he began rolling around in a dumpster full of wet, sticky dough. I’m always a fan of hot men having sex – and there was plenty of that in this movie – but the humor of the situation took away from any actual arousal I may have gotten from the titillating man love.

Lucky: What do you call a donkey punch when you do it with a baguette?

Humor: 4
Sexiness: 3
Overall Quality: 3
Buzz Factor: 4

Sex Moves 102

The jist: Two couples – one straight, one gay – demonstrate an array of sex moves that make audiences both laugh and cringe. It’s safe to assume anyone who sees this film will never watch the movie Carrie again.

My thoughts: If I didn’t know better, I’d think this film was made by the people over at the Midwest Teen Sex Show. The humor was great, the scenes were played with pizzazz, and the audience was roaring. This one was a close runner-up for my vote for Funniest film, but just couldn’t quite compete with the hot Portland boy humping animal statues.

Humor: 5
Sexiness: 3
Overall Quality: 4
Buzz Factor: 4

Violet Uprising

The Jist: A disturbing lesbian puppet-sex film with an even more disturbing ending.

My thoughts: What appears at first to be a gothic scene of female joy reveals itself as an extremely creepy lesbian puppet sex scene. I’m just not sure I needed to see what puppet genitalia looks like. This film was fascinating and a bit shocking – even creepy at the end – but not particularly sexy or funny.

Spoiler alert: Just when I thought the puppet sex couldn’t get any creepier, the scene ends with an old puppet man in a wheelchair peeping at the girls through a hole in the wall and furiously whacking it. The come shot (yes: a PUPPET COME SHOT) got quite an audience reaction, moving the Buzz Factor of this film from a 3 to a 4.

Humor: 3
Sexiness: 2
Overall Quality: 3
Buzz Factor: 4

Maximum Overload

The Jist: A young man enters the world of Virtual Reality and gets busy with a hot alt girl.

My thoughts: The production value was low, the premise wasn’t original but worked, and the pink-haired virtual girl was adorable. The twist at the end made it more interesting, but in general this film didn’t do much for me.

Humor: 3
Sexiness: 3
Overall Quality: 2
Buzz Factor: 3

Trolley Tryst

The Jist: A Seattle couple gets it on aboard Seattle’s beloved S.L.U.T. (that’s South Lake Union Trolley, for you non-locals).

My thoughts: I am in awe of the bravery of this couple. At first we thought we were going to see the allusion to having sex on the trolley and then some staged scenes somewhere else, but when they actually started getting busy right there the audience went wild. I am dying to get in touch with this couple to interview them about their movie-making shenanigans.

Lucky: This should inspire a “Biggest balls” award. I still can’t believe someone did this. Talking to someone about it after, apparently the scene where they get caught happened partway through filming. That is, they had sex on the streetcar, got caught, and then got right back on and finished up. Cue slow applause.

Humor: 3
Sexiness: 4
Overall Quality: 3
Buzz Factor: 5

Guess Who’s Cumming To Dinner

The Jist: A man has vegetables delivered to complete a special meal for his boyfriend’s return from abroad and gets more than he ordered when the hot delivery boy cums inside to help unpack his load.

My thoughts: We immediately know where this story is headed when our protagonist, wearing nothing but an apron, opens the door to greet his hot delivery man. But the execution was fun, and I always enjoy the hot man sex.

Humor: 3
Sexiness: 3
Overall Quality: 3
Buzz Factor: 3

The Password

The Jist: An extremely graphic depiction of male submission and humiliation including nipple clamps, cigarette burns, whips, and, of course, lipstick.

My thoughts: The premise could have been set up a little better. We open with a man being chased by a woman demanding “the password.” The password to what? I know it’s porn, and it’s only 5 minutes long, but if you’re going to try to introduce a story into your film you need to actually have a story. We are then treated to another 4 1/2 minutes of bondage, torture, and humiliation. I can’t say this part wasn’t sexy. It didn’t turn me on, but I have to imagine that someone who is into this kind of scene may have found it very erotic. Judging by the reaction from the audience, however, I’d guess that most HUMP attendees were more appalled than turned on.

Humor: 2
Sexiness: 2
Overall Quality: 3
Buzz Factor: 5 (She did some really fucked up shit to his balls)

The Modern Housewife

The Jist: Another 1950′s instruction film, this time showing adventurous housewives what they can do with a box of saran wrap while their husbands are at work.

My thoughts: I was in love with this film from the very start. The set, costumes, and makeup were flawless. I wanted to eat those housewives up for breakfast. The acting was superb, and the premise was adorable. And, of course, the sex was hot. This one got my vote for Sexiest.

Humor: 4
Sexiness: 5
Overall Quality: 5
Buzz Factor: 3

I Went To A Party And Had A Dream

The Jist: A shaggy-haired man falls asleep at a party and misses a fuckfest going on at the other end of the sofa.

My thoughts: It was a cute idea, but I wasn’t terribly excited about this one. The twist at the end did induce a roar of laughter from the audience, though.

Humor: 2
Sexiness: 2
Overall Quality: 3
Buzz Factor: 3

Our Ruinous Love

The Jist: In this BDSM love story, a couple explores all of the things in the house that can possibly be fit into a vagina.

My thoughts: The production value was a little low on this one, but the shock value was high. I wasn’t turned on by it, and I’m not sure the filmmakers cared. While I would agree that the things they did are a turn on for them, it seemed like the purpose of their entry was to shock the audience. It worked. We’ll never look at a whisk the same way again.

Humor: 2
Sexiness: 2
Overall Quality: 2
Buzz Factor: 4

Fuck

The Jist: A flamboyant Mexican drug lord applies a poison to the cocks of the two top LA detectives, promising the poison will spread to the rest of their bodies the moment they become flacid.

My thoughts: The production value was a little low, but not too bad. The story was cheesy, but fun. The sex was more silly than sexy. I wasn’t really into this one, but it gave me a chuckle or two.

Humor: 3
Sexiness: 2
Overall Quality: 3
Buzz Factor: 2

Cyclust

The Jist: A succession of still images set to music depicting two adorable lesbian cyclists falling in love and into bed.

My thoughts: This was adorable. Of course, this film just fed into my crushes on Portland, cyclists, and lesbians. It wasn’t my favorite in any category, but it was sweet and sexy and I really liked it.

Humor: 2
Sexiness: 4
Overall Quality: 4
Buzz Factor: 2

ET2: The Dark Territory

The Jist: Elliott is all grown up and has a lust for his childhood friend in this homoerotic tale.

My thoughts: This one made me laugh and cringe, and got quite the audience reaction. But I have to admit, I got the joke early on and was ready for it to be over sooner than later.

Humor: 3
Sexiness: 1
Overall Quality: 3
Buzz Factor: 4